Past Hauntings
by evil superman
Summary: After the events in the episode the 'The Eye' Elizabeth's not dealing so well.


Title: Past Hauntings

Summary: After the events in the episode 'The Eye' Elizabeth's not dealing so well.

Paring: None, but if any of you want to see this as pre-ship then by all means go for it.

Spoilers: 'The Storm' and 'The Eye' mostly but no really big spoilers I don't think.

Warnings: Some language and talk of torture.

Disclaimer: Stargate Atlantis is not mine. Only the story line and any made up characters that may or may not appear in the story belong to me.

A/N: All grammer and spelling mistakes are mine. My microsoft word program has disapeared and now I'm stuck using wordpad.

* * *

'Hot humid heat...Large men carrying guns bursting into the negotiation room...Angry voices shouting...Being blind folded, hands tied behind the back.' 

'Darkness...Cold...Loneliness...Fear.'

'Being asked questions, but not knowing the answers...Pain, agonizing pain.'

'The sounds of others crying, begging, pleading...Blood, too much blood.'

'Hunger...thirst...filthy.'

'Loud explosions...Gun fire...'

Jerking awake Elizabeth, heart pounding, bolted up right in bed gasping for air. Practically every night since the storm had passed a week ago Elizabeth had been having nightmares But not about what had happened with the Genii as she would have expected, but about an incident that had happened to her in South America a few years ago.

Every time John or someone else asked if she was ok, she knew she was lying when she said she was fine. She was far from fine and from the way John always seemed to be hovering around - never actually in the way or smothering her, but always near by - she knew he didn't by her 'tough soldier' act, but was uncertain about how to help.

Knowing there was no chance of more sleep Elizabeth quietly slipped out of bed, dressed, and left her room. It was late and only those who absolutely had to be awake were, which was just fine with Elizabeth, she wasn't in the mood to deal with people at the moment.

Over the last week everybody had returned to the city and repair crews had quickly gotten to work on fixing any damage the storm had caused. Everybody jumped right back into their work and things were quickly returning to normal. It was exactly as it should have been, yet Elizabeth found herself slipping a little more every day, wanting to give into urges to scream and yell at every one for acting as if nothing had happened, that the city hadn't almost been taken from them or worse, that good people had almost died - that two had died.

Elizabeth wanted nothing more than to just breakdown, to tell people what she was really feeling, what she really thought. But she never did because her duty to the city and the people under her command always came first, which just made her want to breakdown all the more. It was a vicious cycle, one she didn't know how to get out of.

Realizing that she would soon be expected in the control room Elizabeth made her way back to her quarters to prepare for the coming day.

* * *

"I'm telling you there's something wrong with her." John stated as he helped Carson finish up with the last of the inventory in the infirmary and tidying the place up. 

"And I'm not disagreeing with you." Carson sighed, putting down the box he'd been holding. "I know she hasn't been sleeping, I've gotten all kinds of reports from people who've seen her wondering around the city at all times of the night. and I'm sure she hasn't been eating very much, but I don't have proof of that."

"Then why don't you do something about it. Like you said she's not sleeping and probably not eating, which means you have every right to pull rank and get her down her to be looked at."

"Aye, Major I could but I won't," Carson held up a hand to keep John from interrupting. "Because I don't think it's gotten that bad yet and I am willing to give Dr. Weir the benefit of the doubt that she'll pull herself out of this before it does get to a point where I would need to intervene."

"But doc..."

"Look if it will make you feel better I'll suggest Dr. Hightmeyer have a little informal chat with her. But Major you have to remember she was held hostage and had her life threatened repeatedly not to long ago. Something like that takes time to get over."

Knowing that was probably the best he was going to get from the scottsmen for now John nodded his agreement and silently returned to his work.

* * *

It had been a rough day for Elizabeth, first she'd had to deal with all the damage and missing items reports. Then one of the repair crews that had been working to fix some structual damage to the city had ended up in the infirmary when the wall they'd been working on came down on them. Thankfully no one had been seriously hurt. 

After that Kate Hightmeyer had stopped by the control room and suggested lunch, which was nothing unusual the two had eaten together before - usually it was more like a business meeting but they still ate together. Since it hadn't taken Elizabeth long to figure out why Kate had asked her to lunch, she'd spent most of the time giving the psychologist the run around. And on top of everything else Elizabeth had, had to deal with a certain major hovering around all day.

Later that night feeling her anger and frustration beginning to boil to the surface Elizabeth changed into some gym clothes and headed to the gym that had been set up in one of the larger rooms that had been empty when they'd gotten to Atlantis. Entering the gym Elizabeth quickly got on one of the treadmills and began running.

An hour later still feeling angry and frustrated Elizabeth, ignoring the pain in her knee, got off the treadmill and went to work on the punching bag in the corner with a fury she hadn't she hadn't released in years. It wasn't long before her arms began to feel like jelly and her knee threatened to give out on her, but she didn't stop - the pent up emotions and memories of the past keeping her going.

So caught up in her own little world Elizabeth didn't notice when someone else entered the gym and tried to get her attention. Feeling someone place hands on her shoulders and try to restrain her, with out thinking, Elizabeth struggled and fought back, swinging out making solid contact with the person and was reward with muffled cures. Her victory was short lived though. Soon she found herself on the ground with both arms being pinned to her side, but was still struggling.

"Damn it Elizabeth stop!"

At hearing the familiar voice reality came crashing back and for the first time Elizabeth realized that it had been John not Kolya or some nameless rebel she'd been struggling against. With the realization that she'd lost control of her emotions, that she'd attacked John, the fight drained out of Elizabeth and she laid still.

The second she felt John's grip on her loosen Elizabeth quickly rolled away from him and began pushing herself back to her feet, but of course her knee protesting the abuse it had received refused to hold her weight and if it hadn't been for John's quick reflexes she would have found herself right back on the floor face first.

"Easy! Here let me give you a hand." John put an arm around Elizabeth's waist, helping to steady her.

"I'm fine! I don't need your help." Elizabeth snapped, trying to pull away from John, who in return just tightened his hold.

"Wrong Elizabeth. Weather you want to admit it or not, You Are Not Fine. Now you can willingly come with me to the infirmary to get that knee looked at or I can sling you up over my shoulder and carry you there, your choice."

Not having a choice Elizabeth allowed John to help her to the infirmary. Luckily it was later in the evening and most of the city had quieted down so there weren't a lot of people around, that was the last thing Elizabeth needed was for people to see John with his arm around her, helping her limp her way to the infirmary. There was no telling what kind of rumors would get started.

* * *

Entering the infirmary John sent the duty nurse to get Carson while he settled Elizabeth on one of the beds. He just as easily could have gotten Carson himself but there was no way he was letting Elizabeth out of his sights, he didn't want her bolting especially not after what just happened in the gym. John knew Elizabeth wouldn't be allowed to walk on her knee until at least morning but knowing her she'd do it any way just to spite him, so he was taking no chances. 

Completely ignoring John, Elizabeth laid back on the bed, one arm over her eyes, waiting for Carson to come tell her how stupid she'd been. She knew she shouldn't have been any where near the gym with her knee - a permanent reminder of her one time visit to South America - acting up the way it had been the last few weeks.

"Bloody Hell man! What did you go and do to yourself now? You look like you just went at it Muhammad Ali." The sound of Carson's voice caused Elizabeth to start slightly and look over to where he was standing near John. It was then she noticed the bloody nose - which was mostly done bleeding but not quite, split lip, and beginnings of one hell of a shiner on John's face.

Feeling guilty, Elizabeth spoke up before John could answer, "My fault."

"You did this?" Carson couldn't keep the disbelief out of his voice as he indicated John's face.

"Yes she kicked my ass. You breath a word of it to anyone and it will be your ass that gets kicked next." John was getting impatient with all the attention Carson was paying to him when he should be worrying over Elizabeth. Seeing the impatience in John's eyes Carson let the matter drop and turned to Elizabeth.

"My knee." Elizabeth answered before Carson could even what was wrong.

"Aye and judging by the sweaty gym clothes I can asume you were in the gym." Elizabeth nodded her head yes. "You know I specifically remember telling you to take it easy and not do anything strenous for a few weeks."

An hour later Elizabeth was comfortably settled in the infirmary bed with a brace on her knee along with an ice pack.

"So you want to tell me what happened?" Carson questioned John as they sat in his office watching Elizabeth through the window.

"To be honest I'm not really sure." John, an ice pack of his own held to his face, answered. "When Elizabeth didn't show up for dinner I got worried and went looking for her. Found her in the gym beating the hell out of a punching bag. I called her name a few times trying to get her to stop but I guess she didn't hear me cause when I tried stopping her she turned on me and started swinging, hence the new look. I had to completely pin her before she stopped fighting me."

Leaning back in his chair Carson let out a tired sigh. "I'm beginning to think you were right about there being something more than meets the eye with her."

Letting out a frustrated sigh and running a hand through his hair John leaned back in his own chair. "God I hate being right sometimes."

After a couple of days in the infirmary Carson finally let Elizabeth out with a few conditions: She was to take it easy for real this time and keep the brace on her knee until told other wise. Elizabeth wasn't happy about any of it but knew it was the only way out of Carson's clutches.

* * *

It happened again the same nightmare, sometimes Elizabeth would wake up with a scream other times she would be disoriented about where she was and what was real. As soon as she would realize she was in her room in Atlantis in the Pegasus Galaxy and nowhere earth or South America Elizabeth would lay back on her sweaty sheets staring at the dark celiling until it was time to get up and start her day. 

After almost two weeks Elizabeth was tempted to ask Carson for something to help her sleep but instantly squashed that idea becaused he'd want to know why and she didn't relish the thought of having to tell him she couldn't sleep because every time she closed her eyes she was haunted with horrible images of a past event in her life that no one in Atlantis knew about, not even John who she felt she could tell anything to.

Elizabeth soon found herself again wandering through the city's corridors doing her best to avoid any and all contact with anybody. Lately everything about her seemed sluggish and it was with sadness she admitted to herself that was probably do to the weight she constantly felt she was carrying around on her shoulders. The weight of her emotions, the weight of the curious stares people were beginning to give her, the weight of her responsibility to the people under her command, and the weight of several other things.

Deciding she need to see the sky, the stars to try and make some sense of her rampant emotions Elizabeth head for her favorite balcony. Stepping quickly out onto the balcony Elizabeth moved to the railing, gripping it for suppport. She soon lost track of time staring at the stars, it didn't matter that she didn't recognize the stars as long as they were there.

As shelooked out at the stars Elizabeth felt her emotions, the ones always hidden so deep inside, start to boil to the surface. Taking several long, deep breathes to control it, she forced them back into their cage where they belonged. Taking a shaky breath of control she acknowledged that this was the true problem, these turbulant emotions she was filled with. Recently the urge to hit something, or preferably someone, were so close to getting the better of her that it scared her.Squeezing the railing harder Elizabeth felt satisfaction as the joints in her fingers and the muscles in her arms began to ache.

She knew she had never 'dealt' with her past the way any psychiatrist or counselor worth their salt would have insisted on, but the support network had never really been there - both her parents had passed away by then and she hadn't yet met Simon - when she'd needed it most so she'd had to developed her own ways of dealing. Her method of dealing worked just fine as long as she could remain in control of her emotions. Everything had been going fine in her life, that was until the Genii had tried taking the city.

'Damn it.' Elizabeth thought as the emotions she was fighting so hard swelled up inside her.

With the emotions threatening to over whelm her Elizabeth slammed her fist hard on the cold sill and raised her arm to do it again when someone grabbed her arm and pulled her into a tight hug. Subconciously Elizabeth knew it was John, but still struggled for a moment before giving in and finally breaking down. Silently John held Elizabeth close as her flood gates opened and she began crying.

Not having been able to sleep John had decided to go for a walk around the city and had found his way to the balcony where he'd seen Elizabeth standing staring at the stars. Even though he'd desperatly wanted to know what was wrong with her he'd been about ready to leave and give her, her privacy when he saw her hit the balcony railing. Fearing what she might do he'd quickly stepped out onto the balcony and pulled her into a tight hug to keep her from hurting herself.

The two stood there for hours neither one saying a word or even moving, just holding each other close. It wasn't until John felt Elizabeth shiver hard that he finally let go, but only long enough to shrug off his jacket and put it around Elizabeth's shoulders before putting his arms around her again.

"I promised myself I would never let myself be put in a situation like that again." Elizabeth, holding the jacket like a life line and resting her head against John's chest, started talking. "After...after..."

"Shhh it's ok, let it out." John soothingly rubbed Elizabeth's back.

"It was one of my first major assignments...these two factions in South America...I don't even really remember who they were or why they were fighting...had asked for help when there own attempts at negotiation had failed. After about a month progress was finally starting to be made...I guess some people hadn't been happy about that because one day a small group of rebels barged into the talks...and...and...killed the faction leaders and took the rest of us as hostages...me another women and two men.

They blindfolded us and tied our hands behind our backs...threatened to kill us if we didn't do as they said. At first they left us alone some where dark and cold, then a few days later they started asking us questions...they didn't take it too kindly when we couldn't give them the answer's they wanted. Me and the other women...uh Sherry I think that was her name...we got off easier then the guys with us did, I gusse the rebels figured they'd know more since they were men. I...I...I...remember watching..." Elizabeth stopped for a moment, emotions getting the better of her.

"It's ok you don't have to."

"Yes...yes I do. I need to get this out now or I never will. I remember watching one the men...I never knew either of their names...I was forced to watch him beat to death. We were probably there for at least a month before we were finally found and rescued. The other man with us ended up in a wheel chair...and Sherry...well let's just say the guards to a liking to her. I probably got out of there with the least amounts of injuries, just a busted up knee. Although it was well over a year before I was on my feet again. I had to have a number of surgeries spent several months in a wheel chair, even longer on cruches, and some time using a cane. But the whole time I was recovering I swore to myself I was never going to let myself be in a situtation like that again and I wasn't until the Genii."

John gently pushed Elizabeth away from him just enough that he could look her in the eyes.

"Elizabeth listen to me when I say what happed to you was horrible and wrong and I wish I could kill every last one of those bastards. You're one of the strongest bravest people I know and I will do whatever I can to keep you from having to go through something like that again. And remember you don't have to deal with this alone, we're here for you, we all care about you and I don't just mean as a leader but as a friend. We only have each other, when one of us suffers we all suffer, just like a family should."

Seeing the acceptence and understanding in Elizabeth's eyes John noded his head once and pulled her close again, placing a gentle kiss on the top of her head.

"We really are just like a big family aren't we?" Elizabeth spoke after a moment.

"Yup one big, if not seriously twisted and messed up, family." With an arm around her shoulders John led Elizabeth throught the doors back into the city. "Come on lets go get some breakfast and see what kind of miscevous the kids will get to today."

No sooner had John spoken did Rodney and Carson come running by.

"This is so not my fault!" Rodney, panting, stated as he skidded to a stop.

"The bloddy hell it ain't!" Carson hollered as he skidded to a stop as well.

"Your the one who touched the button!"

"Your the one who said it was safe!"

"McKay, Beckett your heads is so going in the toliet when this is over!" They all heard Aiden shout just before they heard the sound of a P-90 being fired followed by a loud roar of some kind that had Both Rodney and Carson on the move again, neither bothering to respond to Aiden's threat.

A few seconds later Aiden came sliding around the corner on his butt stopping only long enough to re-load his weapon before scrambling back to his feet. Almost as an after thought he stopped to acknowledge John and Elizabeth.

"There's nothing to worry about McKay and Beckett certainly didn't let a giant purple and green dinosar creature similar to the evil that is Barny lose in the city. The sitituation is under control." Aiden, who knew the two leaders - especially Elizabeth - had, had a lot of things on their minds lately and had better things to worry about, quickly re-asured the two before taking off again.

"I really should learn to just keep my mouth shut." John stated as he watched Aiden and some others fighting with the creature that was now lose in the city.

'Aiden was right' John thought, 'It does frightingly resemble Barny the Purple Dinosar.'

"I couldn't agree more. Now your were saying something about breakfast." Having complete faith in her people to take care of the current situtation Elizabeth took John's arm and led him towards the comissary.


End file.
